Classy Crock

A decade or so ago, a bunch of mostly rock stations decided to become oldies stations like existed ten years prior to that. The “oldies stations” in the 1970s and ’80s played the most popular music from the ’50s and ’60s; from the likes of Chuck Berry and Little Richard that should be called “classic rock” to commercial garbage like the Monkees and the Archies and the 1910 Fruit Gum Company.
They decided to call this music, the most popular music from 1965 to 1990, half of which was not rock at all but popular drek pushed by the suits, “Classy Crock” because it sounds like “classic rock” but no more than half of it could honestly be called “rock”.
One might logically think that the term “classic rock” would refer to rock and roll from a certain period, like “classical music” is named; or, like automobiles, older than a certain age. However, unlike the rock stations in the 1970s, this century’s radio is like any other business: enshittify it as much as necessary to extract as much filthy lucre as possible, eschewing taste or talent, no matter how dishonest.
It’s business. Art doesn’t matter, only money. The love of money is the twenty first century’s American religion, or working people would never have elected a man born fabulously rich who can’t have a clue how normal people live as president. Twice.
To be rock, music has to ROCK. As the great Chuck Berry defined it when it was a toddler in the fifties, “it has a back beat, you can’t lose it.”
Rock parties. Rock makes you happy. Rock may make you dance. What rock will not do is make you sad, let alone make you want to cry. No tear jerker could ever be honestly called “rock”. But any old crap can be Classy Crock if it made enough money in its heyday.
But that’s the music, not the lyrics. The lyrics can be about heartbreak and still be happy: that’s rock. Rock was called “rhythm and blues” before the term “rock and roll” was coined, and a lot of rock is remakes of old blues songs. A good example is George Thorogood’s “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” is actually two old John Lee Hooker songs, one by that name and one titled “House Rent Blues” pasted together into a medley. A song about being evicted and becoming homeless that somehow isn’t depressing; that’s rock.
They’ve been trying to kill rock and roll since the phrase was coined in 1952 by a disk jockey in Cleveland. The “powers that be” killed Jazz half a century after a schizophrenic man invented it; or at least, industry crippled it and removed its humanity by instituting “do-wop” after the war; overly produced corporate garbage that the industry shoved down radio listeners’ throats.
They tried to kill rock with Elvis, then by using (GASP!!) Black people like Little Richard and Chuck Berry; Black people had actually invented rock in the late ‘40s when it was called “rhythm and blues”. This was ironically fortunate for rockers and unfortunate for the empty suits who didn’t understand the music that they loathed and feared and wanted to exploit for lucre.
Then with the honestly maligned “disco” in the 1970s, then with rap, the new disco. Now they’re trying to re-brand rock as “anything in the top forty selling tunes after 1965.” Even disco. Even country. Even rock. Even ugly minor key music that starts with violins and makes you want to cry. But not Little Richard, Chuck Berry, or Elvis Presley, they don’t count. That’s Classy Crock, nothing before 1965.
Note that in 1952 when the phrase “rock and roll” was coined, not a single rock and roll song was in the top one hundred popular tunes. Today, fully half of the people in the “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame” aren’t rock, and many of them had never played or sang a rock song in their lives, Dolly Parton being a shining example. Apparently, ALL music is now rock! ...at least, if it makes the company a lot of money.
Back in the 1970s Jazz went back underground where it started and probably belongs; nothing kills art like commerce, even though artists have to pay bills. Especially since artists have to pay bills. If artists’ bills were magically paid every month, oh but what treasures society would have! Harry Potter wouldn’t exist if not for Britain’s generous safety net; its author was in poverty, living on “the dole” when she wrote it. She’s now a billionaire, but I don’t refer to monetary treasure, I refer to the artistic treasure of a Hemingway or a Twain.
There isn’t a rock and roll band I have ever heard that played nothing but rock. The Rolling Stones’ Angie is in no way rock, and in fact I’ve never heard a rock song in a minor key, although I’m sure there are some. That KISS song about his girlfriend waiting for him while he’s practicing with the band is in no way rock.
Even the great Led Zeppelin has a few songs that aren’t rock, like “All of my Love”. You will hear all of those songs on your local Classy Crock station, none of which actually rock very much at all.
Case in point: KSHE, the oldest continuously running rock station in the world. They have been playing “classic rock” longer than the name “classic rock” existed, starting in 1967. Twenty years ago they were “the best of rock, old and new.” It was originally not a rock, per se station, but played hippie music (which is mostly rock) when it became a rock station in 1967.
They played three rocking tracks from the Damn Yankees album back in the early 1990s when that record was new. Now under their latest ownership they’re Classy Crock and only play the one hit from that album. The hit is in no way rock, a minor key love song about getting high. All but three tunes on that album rock, but they only play the hit that won’t rock.
Some musicians are called “rockers” despite only having fewer than a half dozen rock songs, like Elton John. “Saturday Night” is certainly rock, but “Funeral for a Friend”... how is a funeral dirge in any way “rock”?
I love rock. ALL rock as long as it’s real and not a funeral dirge or polka. Well, there are a few rock bands that get on my nerves, but not many.
Some rock I love most is what is now known as “deep tracks”. Why should I care how many copies were sold or how much money was made? Classy Crock doesn’t include deep tracks. Only the hits, whether or not they’re really rock.
I wish there was a real rock station I was in earshot of, a station that is what KSHE used to be in its heyday. A station that cared more about the music than the money.