Dear Mister Musk,

 First, Elon... may I call you Elon? Fuck you, I'm calling you Elon, you think you deserve respect? You don't. You think you're winning the game and haven't even read the rule book. You don't even know the object of the game. You just jumped in, took the easy plays, not realizing that you opted for the most difficult level.
You see, losers like you think that whoever leaves the game with the most toys wins, but this isn't like basketball, it's like golf. Whoever leaves the game with the fewest toys wins, and you, who currently are the dragon sitting on the world's largest pile of useless gold, are currently the biggest loser of your eight billion fellow gamers who haven't already sentenced themselves to another game, not of their choosing, just as they and you asked. No, of course you can't remember, you're not supposed to.
The rule book is called The Holy Bible here, La Biblia in Spanish speaking countries. There are different rule books for different players, in the middle east it's called The Koran. You have heard that the universe is a simulation and want science to find a way out. You won't like the answer. You see, the universe is in fact a simulation. It's a game, and I'm an NPC sent here to try to set those of you who are pathetically losing players right.
Good luck, boy. One of the sad parts of my assignment is turning you losers around, and I must say, so far nobody's played as badly as you, at least in this hemisphere. There's a guy in Russia far worse, he may be beyond saving. Keeps fouling.
Oh, you can't just leave the game, it has to end naturally for you or you respawn. It's in the contract that you can't remember signing.
Your Friendly I.T. Help Desk


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