Dear Mister Musk,

You have heard that the universe is a simulation and want science to find a way out. You wonít like the answer. You see, the universe is in fact a simulation. Itís a game, and Iím an NPC sent here to try to set those of you who are pathetically losing players right.
First, Elon... may I call you Elon? Fuck you, Iím calling you Elon, you think you deserve respect? You donít. You think youíre winning the game and havenít even read the rule book. You donít even know the object of the game. You just jumped in, took the easy plays, not realizing that you opted for the most difficult level.
You see, losers like you think that whoever leaves the game with the most toys wins, but this isnít like basketball, itís like golf. Whoever leaves the game with the fewest toys wins, and you, who currently are the dragon sitting on the worldís largest pile of useless gold, are currently the biggest loser of your eight billion fellow gamers who havenít already sentenced themselves to another game, not of their choosing, just as they and you asked. No, of course you canít remember, youíre not supposed to.
The rule book is called ďThe Holy BibleĒ here, ďLa BibliaĒ in Spanish speaking countries. There are different rule books for different players, in the middle east itís called ďKoran.Ē
Good luck, boy. One of the sad parts of my assignment is turning you losers around, and I must say, so far nobodyís played as badly as you, at least in this hemisphere. Thereís a guy in Russia far worse, he may be beyond saving. Keeps fouling.
Oh, you canít just leave the game, it has to end naturally for you or you respawn. Itís in the contract that you canít remember signing.
Your Friendly I.T. Help Desk


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